ARTICLE: Drink Cigcola

Researchers say, “Drink Cigcola”

May 21, 2010

Healthy and unhealthy consumption of Cigcola, a nicotine cola flavoured beverage can help reduce stress, boredom, self-consciousness and taxes.

During a two month experiment, subjects who ingested large quantities of Cigcola claimed immediate and long-lasting improvements in their social and personal lives. The experiment works on the principle that if Cigcola can dramatically alter the physiology of the brain then all functions of the brain would respond accordingly. Individuals prior to treatment expressed concerns about being unattractive, overworked and unfulfilled with their general existence.

A total of 50 healthy but emotionally unsatisfied volunteers ages 18-26 were enrolled and asked to document any major changes in their lives during treatment. Half of the participants drank Cigcola, the other half regular cola. The Cigcola group testified to being more relaxed, more energized, and more dizzy. When asked to complete a standardized IQ test, many subjects simply laughed and chewed on their pencils. Others constructed complex paper airplanes. “My boyfriend has sex with me again,” claims one woman after a six week Cigcola diet. “I got fired and I’ve never been happier,” states another man who claimed that their work was interfering with their devotion to Cigcola.

Scientists claim that the chemical make up of the plutonium based beverage is highly addictive and allows subjects to be extremely self-reflective. Short-term memory, verbal commands and motor control significantly dropped by 70% after large scale consumption however, most if not all subjects appeared to be content with these effects. Subjects who drank regular cola showed no significant changes and carried out with their miserable lives.

Although the practical applications of this study are still being assessed, many doctors have already prescribed Cigcola to patents experiencing post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. There has been only one recorded incidence of death. Cigcola is available over the counter at any grocery or general store.

Drink Cigcola

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